A (Rough) Manifesto: Part I of III

Disclaimer: The point of this manifesto is to start my 2012 educational journey by writing down exactly what I believe in, and I’ve chosen to do so by writing a letter to an imaginary 18 year old kid, who I assume has access to opportunity and a good head on his/her shoulders. I look forward to comparing this version to the finalized version I write after the end of the semester.

(Note: Since this is a rough draft, and quite long, I'm putting it below the fold).

If today were my last day on the planet, what wisdom would I impart onto a young and eager apprentice?

“Fuck a lot of Women, Dwayne”

            -- Little Miss Sunshine

Just kidding. (though, it may behoove you to probably make love (relatively) frequently. And have deep conversations, too.)

So, now that the evolutionary question is out of the way, what other wisdom can I bestow? OH — there is (little to) no Truth. Your teachers, parents, and religious leaders have probably given you simplified explanations of how the world works and why people act the way they do.

Instead of depressing, this information is actually, in fact, quite liberating: We get to survey the field and choose or create our own belief systems. While we should take others into account, it behooves us to remain skeptical because 1) many elders are only more experienced at failures and 2) what worked for them what won’t necessarily work for us. Don’t be a mere contrarian; be simultaneously open-minded and dubious of most explanations and advice – especially mine.

Speaking of, I will share with you my belief in one (near) absolute: Love. Or, rather, Loving. Bear with me for a second. I’m not referring to the hollywood love depicted in romantic comedies; I’m referring to a very different kind, an Active Love: Accepting others, listening, empathizing, sharing with them; this is the stuff of active love.  It’s not merely something you feel—it’s something you do.

It’s the only thing that persists through the piles of shit the world chucks at us. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond: Loving is the best response, because when you love you encourage people to be their best selves. And that person, comfortable in their own skin, encourages another to be their best self. And so on. Active Love isn’t, as is commonly asserted, submissive or sacrificial, at least IMO. The statement “Love is putting someone else’s wants/needs above yours” awakens the Ayn Rand in me, the one I am slightly uncomfortable with but am consciously unwilling to dispense with, not for reasons of self-preservation, but rather self-actualization, which, I think, is one of the greatest things you can do for others: When you’re confident, hard working, and virtuous, others are encouraged to follow your example. It’s true, loving people sometimes involves putting their desires above yours – our friends will need crying shoulders, late night rides, and people to “show up”, regardless of circumstance. But, for the most part, I think of love as two people sharing the best parts of themselves – not as a mutual sacrifice so that no one advances, no one is actualized. That is not loving. That is laziness. When love becomes a sacrifice – unless it’s a love out of commitment (e.g family) -- it’s time to love other people: Great Love should be empowering, and not a hindrance.

How can you get better Active Loving? I think it’s (somewhat of a) skill, and like anything else, it can be practiced. I will now put forth, perhaps foolishly, a few practices which I believe to be a part of Active Loving.

Have a creed and live by it: Have a firm but flexible credo and read it everyday. Reflect upon whether your actions are consistent with your beliefs and calibrate accordingly. Develop your credo over time through direct experiences, introspection, and from other people, whether that’s through books, conversations, or other mediums.

Choose your environment wisely: This includes the people and the institutions with which we surround ourselves. Affirming people and flexible institutions can encourage us to become more of the person we want to be: “You are the average of 5 people you spend your most time with.” Try to absorb habits from people you admire, either through mentorship, observation, or by osmosis. “Our environment influences us much more than we believe, and “it is much easier to change your environment than change your insides.”

Pursue what you find to be undeniably you: Do you what it is you love to do. Experiment to discover what that is. Know, however, that working passionately at something always beats finding the lofty and elusive “passion”.

Take time to renew: Set aside a time once a week to reflect on the past week and visualize the next one. When you spend time alone it’s easier to get at the roots of your thoughts, and cement the positive habits and rewire the corrosive ones. This seems minor, but it will have a substantial impact on your relationships and big picture goals.

Have integrity in your thoughts, words, and actions: Your actions and words should be consistent with your values; don’t lie to yourself. Praise yourself for your accomplishments, accept yourself for your flaws, and work to self-correct them. Regarding others, do not deceive in anyway. One of the ways you can most influence others is through your example.

Forgive, respect, do not judge, and love unconditionally: People will harm, hurt, and cause you to feel insecure, jealous, inferior. Lovingly ignore them.

Listen: Listen to the other people’s souls, to what they’re saying behind their words. This is probably the most important skill you can have.

I’ve tried to adopt these practices and cultivate these habits. While I’ve taken most of them from other people, I’ve (more or less) confirmed my belief in them through my experiences. The path to defining yourself and your beliefs is rocky, dynamic, and full of uncertainty, but this ambiguity, conflict, and contradiction provides, surprisingly, some confidence and stability.